FAREWELL 2019
2020, what a whirlwind. For many, including myself, it had been emotional and hard to grasp. The Global Pandemic continues to take a toll on the world but Victoria, where I’m located, seems to have it under control for now. However, businesses, families and individuals, are all learning to re-build and operate successfully, with what is being described as “Covid Normal”. A lot are re-building on all levels; mentally, physically, emotionally and even learning to re-build their businesses and relationships. An eight month lock down broke me.
I had high hopes for 2020. The end of 2019 brought testing times, which I expect through life but not after a soul filling year. Celebrating my daughter’s 1st birthday and getting married, in 2019, I thought these highlights would be all I need to finish the year strong. Instead, it came with challenges, challenges I decided would be best conquered together with my family. So that’s what we did, we set our sights on the new year. My husband and I made it, through the first year of parenthood and we were both so proud of one another. By December 2019, we had already been trying for baby number two, for almost five months. Although it wasn’t long, we still hoped month after month we would see two lines appear. We decided to take the pressure off, overcome the bad and celebrate better times with a holiday! After all we fu**ing deserved it.
2020 had rolled over and Corona Virus was just a conversation. We celebrated my husband’s 30th and our honeymoon , in the new year, in Vanuatu. The tropical euphoria left us wanting more. So we spent one day back in Melbourne, as our nomadic energy was still charged up, then flew straight to Queensland, for another week of adventures. The bitter end to 2019 had drifted away.
Our first overseas trip as a family- Vanuatu 2020.
COVID-19 AND ALL THE NEGATIVE ENDINGS
We returned to reality just as they announced a Global Pandemic. In mid March, Victoria was declared a State of Emergency, to try and “Flatten the Curve” of Covid-19. Meanwhile, I was finishing another month of cramps, mood swings and counting down until I was to ovulate again. The lengths between cycles, would usually run like clock work, all of a sudden they were all over the place, for the first time in my life for no explainable reason . I was experiencing longer periods, shorter periods and was exceeding the 28 day cycle before my next was due. This was torturing me, naturally time and time again I kept telling myself, it was because I was pregnant, it was implantation bleeding or when a period finally came I started tracking my cycle, symptoms and ovulation.
April came and no period, it was very late, so I became hopeful. I consulted with my GP and they advised a blood test would be best. Blood test number one came back NEGATIVE. One Month later (May) cycle remained absent for the most part only spotting, another blood test was suggested. Second blood test came back NEGATIVE,. I had lost count at this point, when I was meant to be ovulating and just thought my body was just having a moment. My GP became concerned and suggested waiting another month as my cycles could have been impacted by diet, exercise or other undermining factors.
June, still nothing. I was becoming fed up of being hopeful and concerned at the same time. Almost one year since we decided to try for baby number two and I was becoming deflated. I didn’t know how to talk about it and struggled to manage my feelings. I am fully aware a lot of others are enduring fertility issues, far greater then what I had experienced up until this point. So if your reading this with a heavy heart and trying to conceive, I’m not trying to dim your light in anyway. Everyone’s journey is unique to them and we feel flat and defeated for all kinds of reasons. Our body plays tricks on us as we hope to feel symptoms and I also hated making the walk of shame, out of the bathroom, to tell my husband it was negative, again and again and again. Thankfully, one of the best things we share, is the ability to just understand each other, without saying much, especially on the topic of babies and pregnancy. He knew it was getting to me and I knew it was getting to him too. Nonetheless, he took the heartache for us both and reassured me it will happen all in due time. I agreed, yet still decided to do a home test. Every time you hope the outcome to be different, right?
Photo credit- Google images. Negative after negative.
POSITIVE STILL DIDN’T MEAN POSITIVE, UNTIL IT DID.
I went to the bathroom and I didn’t even bother to wait long enough for results to show up. With so many blood tests coming back negative, with no period, nothing made sense, so it seemed silly to be hopeful now. I had already started to pack up the test, I was convinced it was another stick for the bin. As I slid the test back into the packaging I saw another line appearing. I couldn’t believe it! Finally results came back POSITIVE! I ran out of the bathroom, screaming and jumped on my husband in complete disbelief. He had no idea why I had launched myself, into a koala clutch onto him, he assumed I saw a bug. Which in all fairness is also how I would have reacted if I saw a crawling critter. I showed him the test and couldn’t stop crying!
We took the home test to the doctors, he wasn’t as hopeful as we were, after all month after month my blood tests were coming back negative and each time, even the doctor thought it would be positive. So, we did another blood test, it came back POSITIVE. I wanted to jump for joy, but the doctor sat there and said my HCG levels were too low, to confirm if embryo had survived. My heart sank. I then went to get an ultrasound done externally and internally and I will never forget these words, the Sonographer said,
“I’m sorry there is nothing there”.
Well, it doesn’t get much more real then that. There was nothing. The doctor explained it could be either really early pregnancy and even then HCG was still very low or I had in fact had a miscarriage. So what was I to do next? I had my beautiful, almost two year old to take care of and focus on. My husband on the other hand wasn’t taking no for an answer. My beacon of hope. I returned a week or two later for another blood test to see results for my declining HCG levels. Results came back still positive with a HIGHER HCG READING. My levels were only slightly higher but increasing numbers were better then the numbers declining. My GP explained it was still touch and go and to be out of the woods the numbers needed to increase significantly. The dating scan was done around 8-9 weeks, I still felt terrified to accept I was pregnant and still wandered if this baby would make it to full term. Baby two is set to be be born on Valentines Day. The day of love and the very day my husband proposed to me at that exact clinic at Melody’s 12 week scan, in 2018. So I took these as signs of good energy and positivity.
Blood test after blood test the numbers were slowly increasing and as I neared the end of my first trimester they increased dramatically and my GP said,
“Liela, I’m going to start treating this as a healthy pregnancy”
At last, the feeling of reassurance I had been waiting for, for almost a full trimester. It was also explained to me, at the beginning of the year, I had most likely experienced a chemical pregnancy (A chemical pregnancy is an early pregnancy loss, that occurs shortly after implantation), which could also be the reason my hormones and cycles were so unpredictable, then come my next ovulation phase we managed to conceive and baby stuck. Thank goodness! This news also shook me so we waited as long as we possibly could to tell our family and friends. Our second ultrasound was done around 14 weeks. This was the one I anticipated more then ever. For me, the journey began to sink in now and I was filled with so much emotion. Covid - 19 made it hard at times to feel the full excitement of this pregnancy. As for ultrasounds to follow, my husband wasn’t allowed with me. I know other pregnant mammas didn’t have a problem with this, but I did. We both wanted to be there to continue to hear good news and he was my rock.
Pregnancy announcement - Due 14/2/2021
STATE IN LOCKDOWN, MIND IN LOCKDOWN.
Stage 4 lock down was hard and my mental health couldn’t take it. Bump was thriving but mamma was not. Unable to physically be surrounded by my family and friends was taking it’s toll. Video calls and messages were not filling the void of being in their presence. I understand some will read this and interpret my feelings as winging and whining, but all I can say in response to this is, I’m glad lockdown didn’t get to you because I wouldn’t wish the feeling of loneliness, being unsure and isolation on anyone. Both the industry’s I work in also closed down for months, this meant I didn’t have the ability to even leave to socialize at work or bring in an income as my family was also facing financial uncertainty like many. I also knew by the time those industries would open up again I’d be too far into my pregnancy to work. So my businesses may have to close.
The health of myself and my growing family was priority, I never lost sight of this but I was at home, feeling the walls closing in. I spoke to my GP, he granted me an exemption to be able to see assigned families to help me cope. All new mums will tell you how lonely it can be with a newborn and I just did eight months of lockdown with another on the way. I knew the struggles I was dealing with, but it broke my heart to see my two year old struggle too. The exemption improved my daughters attitude and ultimately mine as well. As my bump grows bigger my two year old is learning there’s a baby on the way. Her tummy cuddles and references to the baby is incredibly heart warming. I can only hope they will be the best of friends.
Photo credit - 7 news. Stage 4 Lockdown.
Where are we now?
Fast forward to the end of November and Melbourne is out of stage 4 lockdown with Christmas and New years looking social. I’m now 35 weeks pregnant with only one terrifying trip to the hospital but all to do with me and not baby. We don’t know the sex and are looking forward to the surprise when it’s born. The journey to get here has really taken a toll on me some days, especially throughout this pandemic. I’ve been sick, lonely, grateful and now I’m incredibly sore and told to “Take it easy”. I know others have been in a much worse position but it was hard to go through this and abide by the restrictions Melbourne had in place at the time. Many of my friends and family were struggling with lockdown too and I just felt a burden to let them into what was happening. So how am I feeling about everything now? I’m feeling blessed. My family are about to go from three to four and feeling complete. I do worry about feeling isolated with a newborn but I don’t think it will effect me as much as another lockdown will. I’ve prepared baby’s room, upgraded my toddler’s room and packed our hospital bags. It’s almost time! To all the other pregnant Mummas due around the same time as I am, I wish you all the strength, health, happiness and SLEEP! you can get. Lets hope for a smooth and quick labor for us all expecting.
3D Scan of baby number 2 - 29 weeks and 4 days
Written by Liela Thurling